Why Is Validation So Hard?
What’s Going On
Validation is one of the most important relationship skills, AND it can be incredibly hard to do!
A big reason is that people often confuse validation with agreement, accepting blame, or admitting they are wrong. If that is how we see validation, it’s no wonder we struggle with it! Who likes to be wrong?
But validation is not agreement, and it’s not taking all the blame. It’s letting your partner know that their feelings matter and that you are trying to understand their experience, not talk them out of it.
When someone we care about is hurting, it makes sense that we want to help them feel better while also not becoming the “bad guy.” That is often why we jump to defending ourselves, correcting the facts, and explaining what we meant.
The problem is that this usually makes things worse. Now they are not only hurt, sad, or frustrated. They also feel alone in it, especially when the person they love most doesn’t seem to understand.
What to Try
Instead of focusing on sharing your version of the facts or your perspective, work on sending the message: I hear what you are saying, and your feelings matter to me.
Stay with the emotion they’re feeling. Don’t rush to fix it, problem-solve, or try to get them out of the discomfort. Most of us are more open to another perspective once we feel heard.
Try to put yourself in their shoes and consider why the situation may have landed that way based on their experience.
Give them room to share without interrupting, correcting, or preparing your defense. Your perspective absolutely still matters. This is not about who is right or wrong. It is about timing. Address the impact first, then make room for both sides.
What to Say
“I can tell this really hurts. I care about how you feel.”
“I want to make sure I really listen. Right now, it’s more important to me that you feel heard than for me to explain my side.”
“You’re right. I went straight into defending myself instead of listening. I’m still working on this. Can we start again?”
“I think I get it. You were counting on me to be there, and when I stayed late at work, you felt like you were on your own.”
“Feeling dismissed sucks. I’m sorry my response left you feeling that way, even though it wasn’t my intent. Thanks for telling me.”
What to Remember
Validation is not about one partner being right and the other wrong. It’s about sending the message that your partner’s feelings and fears mean something to you.
Validation is also not there to make their feelings go away. Your partner may still feel sad or disappointed even if you respond well. That doesn’t mean the validation didn’t work. The point is for them to feel cared for, not pushed past the feeling.
Try not to move through validation just so you can get to your side of the story. It’s not a trick to calm someone down or help them “get over it.” Our partners can usually feel the difference between being genuinely understood and being managed.
The goal is not to say it perfectly. The goal is for your partner to feel like you take their feelings seriously.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and addresses common relationship concerns. It is not intended for situations involving abuse, coercion, intimidation, threats, fear, or controlling behavior. In those circumstances, standard relationship advice or communication strategies may be ineffective or unsafe. Consider seeking support from a qualified professional or domestic violence resource.
